Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Wardrobe Wednesday

This is Violet's costuming vision for her 5th birthday party. Polka dot backdrop optional. She is full of ideas lately.



Some random quotes from my dotty little girl:

"Mary! You are not a ghost. Look in the mirror."  Mary is a white, stuffed dog.

"Boobies are funny." Said from the toilet, as she watched me get in the shower.

"Ouch! Mama, you need to clean this room. I stepped on this thing and it hurt." She said this after totally rejecting the verity of my own injury in her messy room.

"Mary stayed awake all night! She is teaching all the other animals to stay up all night!"

"Mama!! I slept in my clothes. I looked down this morning and I was like, OH My God! I never put pajamas on."

"That toothpaste is too spicy." We ran out of her mild, mint kid paste and she had to use the grown up stuff.

"Actually...Mary hates all animals...but only zoo animals." The word actually is a favorite of Violet's.

What have your kids been saying lately?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Saddest Place on Earth

The Ohio BMV is a place where vanity goes to die.  Between the duct taped indoor/outdoor carpeting, the Aqua Net sealed work force and the fluorescent lighting, there is no hope.  I have always tried valiantly to look human, if not attractive in my driver's license photo.  Here in Ohio you get a chance to try again every four years, so you'd think the odds would be in my favor.  I have yet to achieve anything short of disaster.  My first DL was an old school cut-and-paste affair, with an underage profile shot.  The state cut off the very end of my nose before affixing my photo to the I.D.  When I was newly married and feeling sassy I tried a little harder to gussy muhself up. The resulting photo was me impersonating Judy Jetson after dipping her face in cooking oil.  When Violet was a wee four months old, I was forced to put in my nursing pads and make the trek to the office of doom.  I made an effort, I truly did.  I showered and put on my some mascara.  I'm even wearing my favorite necklace.  But, the BMV, she does not lie.  Here is that classic of identification art:



If you can tear yourself away from that terrifying visage, take a gander at my official state weight.  Insert maniacal laughter here.  Mama hasn't seen that number in many moons, but they don't make you change it, no matter obvious it is that you no longer fit that description.

In less than a month's time, I will have to do this all over again.  I swear, this time will be different, because basic human, present-ability is no longer my goal.

Yesterday, I sent my husband off to the license bureau with an assignment.  His last DL made him look like a homicidal maniac without him even trying, so I thought, why not try for absurdity on purpose.  I told him to present for the camera the face of a man who had just farted and was really hoping that no one noticed.   In the interest of marital harmony, I cannot share that photo with, but I will say this:

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I laughed good and long.  Take that Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles!  You cannot debase us with your unflattering photography.  The citizens of this great state will take control of their own identities. It won't be pretty, but it never has been, so watch out BMV employees. I'm coming and I'm going to try my hardest to creep you out.

This is where that Theater degree really pays off.  Only, I'm not sure what "face" I should put on.  I need to tell a tale with just my eyes.  Suggestions?



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Just because.

You're welcome.

<a dirty="" href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-US&amp;from=sp&amp;vid=304364f2-e037-48b6-9ffe-8f67ad6539b1" target="_new" title="Channing Tatum and Charlyne Yi Cinemash ">Video: Channing Tatum and Charlyne Yi Cinemash "Dirty Dancing"</a>

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wardrobe Wednesday

Violet is a big fan of hide-n-seek.  If someone leaves the room, she hides and then twitches excitedly in anticipation of their return.  She gets very upset if you "forget" to look for her, or you don't express the proper amount of surprise.  Aaron once hid under a lampshade and it was like the BEST. DAY. EVER.  Violet recently figured out how to get the shade all by herself and I frequently come downstairs to find this twittering in my living room.

 
As if this wasn't funny enough, Violet also walked around a bit, bumping into walls and furniture.  I nearly wet myself laughing and then cursed that I was taking still photographs, rather than video.


Mr. Linky is back!


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Have you Seen My Muse?

I won't say that I have writer's block, because that would indicate that I am somehow filled with angst over my inability to put words on a page. 

No.  I am totally uninterested. There is no agony.  I am not sitting in my chair attempting to open a vein.  I have been doing other things.  I have been trying not to think about the fact that I still cannot hear properly. I've been sewing and making poopcakes and on Friday we took Violet to the Cincinnati Children's Museum.

The last time we took Violet to the museum, she was about 20 months old and, unbeknowst to us, on the verge of a case of diarrhea worthy of a hospital stay. It was not a good time.

 
March 2007
 
March 2009
This time there was no digestive distress on the horizon and once the field trip apes kids left the building, Violet had a really good time.  The adorable outfit you see here, did not last long. It met with a very soggy fate in the water play area, despite our use of the provided splash jackets. They may as well call them, your-parents-won't-know-how-wet-you-are-until-it's-too-late jackets. 

Thankfully, they had hand dryers.  I am sure that impromptu garment drying is one of the skills that the museum planners intended to teach the kids.

Because I am that kind of mommy, the extra dress I packed for Violet happened to be one she does not care for.  She has staunchly refused to wear it ever since it arrived in it's little plastic UPS envelope. Take that kid! It's naked, or ugly, stripey dress.  
Aaron performed a puppet show for the apathetic teenage parents whose very small child ran around unsupervised while they perfected looking bored.

I had a tiny heart attack as we passed through this room.  
Oh God! It feels like one's on me...is it on me?

This play space was designed for kids 8 and older, so Mommy and Daddy had to take turns chaperoning Violet through the tree innards. Notice, that we each delighted in photographing the others ass. And no, I do not have a stain on my butt. It's a patch, because I am way too classy to walk around with a swatch of my panties on display.

 The pictures don't do justice to how high Violet got in the netting. We were tired, so we made it clear that rescue was not an option and when she went in anyway I started scouting for responsible looking 8 year olds who might be able to go in after her. It took a LONG time for her to come back down, but she made on her own. 

I came down this slide approximately 1700 times and Aaron photographed them all.  However, there are none of Violet exiting the slide because she didn't make old lady noises warning the photographer of her approach.
*For the record, I'd like to state that one of the reasons I had a child was so that I could play like this without being stared at. We did this once when we were first married and people gave us the stink eye, as if we were just waiting for the right moment to make off with their kids. Of course, I did stare hungrily at the babies when I was trying to conceive, but I never seriously considered kidnapping. Okay, maybe once, but that kid was REAL pretty. 

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Morning Comedy

Scene:
Heathen Family Parental Bed
8:30 AM

Kelly: I forgot to get coffee yesterday. Will you go to Starbucks? I'll make pancakes.
Aaron: (whining) This is Sunday. The only day I get to sleep late.
Kelly: It is late. Maybe you shouldn't have let the zombies keep you up so long?
Aaron: You want me to just leave the zombies...alive?
Classic marital silence ensues for 30 seconds.
Aaron: Fine. I'll go get your SHIT and then I am coming back to bed.
Violet: (perking up fom her spot between her parents) Daddy! We don't need a SHIP.
Much laughter, but more importantly, compliance from Aaron.

End Scene

Monday, February 23, 2009

Banning Books

When I worked in a bookstore I was often asked about buying books as gifts for kids.  The person purchasing the books usually knew nothing about the child beyond gender and approximate age.  Inquiring about the child's interests produced mixed results. I heard answers like, "I think he plays soccer", or "She likes pink."  Great. I'll just take you to the pink book section and let you decide.  I'm kidding. No customer who initiated this conversation would leave with anything less than a book prescription.  Buy two volumes of Junie B. Jones and don't call me tomorrow to complain that the kid already has the whole collection.

Anywho.

My point is that children do have opinions about literature and reading materials should not be dictated by age or gender.  My daughter still loves her board books, but she also enjoys hearing the original Grimm's version of Snow White.  I know her well enough to know she can handle it.

My husband read very well, at a very early age.  He enjoyed the works of Stephen King when he was still in elementary school.  Aaron is a big believer in NOT censoring reading materials.  However, every reasonable parent has their limit and Violet keeps reminding Aaron what his looks like.

 
The cover of Etiquette for Outlaws truly is irresistible.  Who doesn't love cartoon depictions of prostitution and gambling.  Violet managed to find the book AGAIN yesterday and she asked so sweetly, "What she doing?"
My pre-parental brain wanted to answer, "Well Sweet Pea, that lady is practicing the world's oldest profession, having sex for money."  Instead, I took pictures of her fondling her contraband book and then I distracted her with promises of candy while I relocated the tome to it's new secret location. Aaron and I aren't quite sure when the right time to learn about tipping your favorite stripper is, but we're pretty sure it's not yet. 
*Oh, and for something completely different, stop by my post on Family Bliss.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'll Let Violet Entertain You

The siren song of the internet called to me all afternoon, but my muse took the day off.  I have nothing more interesting to offer you than my sudden and all consuming love of whipped, cinnamon, cream cheese.  I will, therefore, let Violet do the entertaining. The muse NEVER leaves her.



Evening Entertainment from Kelly on Vimeo.

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