Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cooking. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Breakfast Casserole is Not a Feast for the Eyes

@randomblogette asked for my breakfast casserole recipe.  Actually, it isn't mine. I stole it from some anonymous cook on the internet and it's less of a recipe than a method.

The original list of ingredients:
32oz bag of frozen hash browns
1 lb of sausage, cooked
1 lb of bacon, cooked
8 oz shredded cheddar cheese
1 diced onion
12 eggs, beaten
salt, pepper, dry mustard

This is ridiculous, non?  I was only feeding three people and one of them was unlikely to eat it (Violet, ahem). I cut this recipe in half, omitted the bacon and substituted red pepper for onion.  I added onion powder, because frozen potatoes tend to be kind of flat tasting. I also used the diced variety of potatoes because the shredded kind NEVER taste good under my care.

Basically, you just layer this like a lasagna in your crock and then pour the eggs over the whole thing.  My layers were: potato, peppers, sausage, cheese.  I added the spices directly to the eggs.

The full recipe requires 10-12 hours on low, but my half recipe was a little over done.  8 hours would have been better for mine. Oh, and it is NOT pretty. Close your eyes. Do not look directly at the casserole. Just eat it. Notice, I did not photograph this. It would have looked like those awful photos you find in old microwave cookbooks.

I will do it again next year. It was hearty and required no effort on my part. Add a timed coffee maker and you can enjoy a fine breakfast without delaying any of the wrapping paper carnage on Christmas morning.

If you make your own, let me know how it turns out, m'kay.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

We Call 'em Truffles, cuz We're Classy

If you've been poking around the interwebs looking for ways to increase your body mass index, you may have come across recipes for cake balls and Oreo balls. I prefer to call them truffles, because I try not to eat anything that has balls in the title, but you can call them whatever you like.  I mean, if you want to hand out carefully packaged gifts of balls this holiday season that's your business. I'm not here to judge.

I'm here to educate {snort} you in the fine art of making Oreo Truffles, for personal consumption (I highly recommend consuming many of them) or gift giving.  They are super easy, can be made with the slave labor assistance of children and require no baking.  Unlike other no-bake "cookie" treats, these are actually edible and don't resemble woodland feces when completed.

Begin by instructing your minions to disassemble an entire package of Oreos. Remind them that Santa is watching and will not bring presents to those who sample the raw materials.  This will of course lead to a revolt and said minion (and her little buddy) will retreat to the bedroom to make a giant mess.





After you've torn apart the cookies, feel free to weep a little as you throw the middles in the trash.  Trust me, it's the only way.  Put the denuded cookies in the food processor and reduce them to dust.


Go upstairs and observe the destruction caused when you neglect to supervise two four year olds on a day long play date.

Vow to enforce clean up time and return to the scene of the Oreo massacre.  Transfer the cookie dust to to your mixer and throw in a brick of softened cream cheese. Beat the crap out of it.

Do not be alarmed. This mess will not be pretty, but it will be tasty. Try not to eat all of it at this stage. It gets better.

Now comes the ball part. Clean hands are a chef's best tool. Pretend it's really yummy play dough.


Put these in the fridge for 30 minutes and get out about 16 ounces of melting chocolate.  Annoyingly enough, bags of chocolate chips come in 12 ounce sizes. You'll need a handful from a second bag of whatever you decide to use.  You can also use bark, but I'm not into "chocolate flavored" stuff. I like the real thing. I used semi-sweet chips, but white chocolate would be lovely as well. Melt it however you like and then dip your balls in it. Try not to laugh and shriek BALLS as you go along. If you are feeling festive you can sprinkle a little something on top of the balls while the chocolate is still wet.

Now, you have truffles. Put them in the fridge, quickly. Children smell them a mile away.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dinner Conversation

Scene: Heathen Family Kitchen
Violet is sitting in front of a dish of mostly uneaten macaroni & cheese (from the box)
that her mother cleverly stupidly doctored up with some chicken broth.

Violet:
I am done.

Mama:
OK.

Violet:
I am going to frow dis in da twash.

Mama:
How 'bout we give it to Pixie.

Violet:
OK. Pixie will like dis.

Mama:
Why didn't you like it.

Violet:
It was poisoned.....
(pause for effect)
Here Pixie, Pixie, Pixie!

*In this house all dishes calling themselves macaroni & cheese must be prepared with limp elbows, yellow cheese and a blandly uniform texture.  All imposters will be refused.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Egg Repurposing for the Mayonnaise Phobic

Mayonnaise scares the crap out of me.  I don't much care for the looks of ketchup either, but mayo is the one that really gets my gag reflex humming. In general, I am leery of any shiny, white, sauce-like substance. You never know when it might be mayonnaise and for some reason people think it is perfectly acceptable to lie about the mayonnaise content of a dish just to get you to try it, hoping you will leap your feet and  proclaim, "I was wrong! Mayonnaise is the food of the Gods. Please may I have some more?"



I may have some unresolved issues from my childhood...



The day after Easter, all anyone can talk about is egg salad and deviled eggs.  I mean, what else does one do with 2 dozen brightly colored hard boiled eggs?  In fact, this week is actually National Egg Salad Week.  I will be staying in doors with the shades drawn, lest I glimspe salad dripping zombies wandering up and down my street looking for stray eggs.


Here's my mayonnaise free solution to the Post-Easter egg crisis:

1.  Send your husband (cabana boy, butler, teenage child- whatever) to the grocery store to purchase pickled beets.  He will call you several times to say he cannot find them. Persevere. Pickled beets are usually located with the canned vegetables and not with the dill pickles.  Do not give in to your husband's tears. He will find the beets.



2.  Peel the eggs.  This will be difficult, what with all the distress calls from your husband at the grocery store.

 
Do all the bluish ones first because the shells will look pretty on the yellow counter top when you photograph them.
 
3.  Convince small child to try a hard boiled egg while you exasperatingly patiently wait for your jars of beets.
4.  When the husband finally arrives from his grocer's odyssey, dump everything into a lidded bowl. If you have ginormous food service jars lying around, they work even better. 
 
5.  Leave the eggs and beets in the refrigerator for  a whole day.  Do not be tempted to cut into one after 2 hours just so you can photograph it for your blog.  It won't be totally pink yet, and therefore not nearly as tasty.
Just Say No to Mayo!


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The Parent Bloggers Network wants to know what you are doing with all those left over Incredible Edible Eggs.   Go! You might win a prize!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Unappetizing

I never intended to make Poop Cakes.

It just sort of happened.

Aaron wanted me to bake some cupcakes for him, even though it was 70 degrees and sunny, but whatever.  I doctored up a can of chocolate frosting with some peanut butter and powdered sugar.  I loath applying icing with a spatula, so I made a makeshift piping bag.

Apparently, I invented confectionery shit .



They tasted good and the addition of some painstakingly applied chocolate sprinkles made them look less like turd cakes.   Violet had a bit of a nervous breakdown when she was refused a second helping, but rules are rules.  One feces themed desert, per person, per day is quite enough.

Tomorrow is another day.
From Heathen Family Revival

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bananas Flambé

Just as a public service announcement, I'd like to let you all know that bananas DO IGNITE in the microwave. I am sure that there has been some speculation about this in the past. Today, I have laid to rest any doubts about the nuclear combustability of banana skins. Why? "Why?"you say. Why would I put whole bananas in the microwave? They weren't soft enough for making banana bread yet and I couldn't possibly be expected to wait three or four more days to bake banana bread.  I read somewhere (somewhere disreputable) that you could nuke bananas to soften them up. True, they were soft once they took a few spins around the microwave, but they were also smoking bombs of nearly liquified goo.  The question is, "Did she make the banana bread, or what?"  Yes, I did! I put on my pink rubber gloves, carefully removed the bursting, hot skins and dumped them into the mixer. Stay tuned for the verdict on whether or not electrified bananas can substitute successfully for week old black bananas...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I Swear It's Not MY Recipe!

So, this morning I made a little of this. I have not resorted to posting a recipe of my own. I am merely redirecting you to someone who DOES know how to cook. Go see Melanie of BeanPaste fame, over at her new place BeanPlate and you can see a much more skillfully photographed bowl of Mulligatawny and snag the recipe too. Go! Now! Do it!
Oh, and while I was making soup. Violet was amusing herself this way....

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Mmm, fishsticks...

I was inspired to wax nostalgic on the things I learned from my mother.

When I was kindergarten, our class published it's own cookbook. We little people were charged with writing about our favorite home cooked food, which would then be accompanied by our own illustrations. The finished product told the tale of my mother's culinary skill. All of the other kids in my class wrote mini manifestos on the joys of warm chocolate chip cookies and spaghetti with meatballs. Also, their mothers provided neatly handwritten and typed recipes to go in the recipe book. I wrote eloquently about how my mother removed the frozen fish sticks from the box, placed them on a tray and then put them in the oven. No recipe required. Thanks, Mom.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Left Over Ricotta Cheese

I am forever trying to make pudding. I crave it at the most inopportune times. I never have all of the ingredients. I never have the time or the patience, until now! I discovered a teeny little formula on the web that was the answer to all my cosmic begging. I hesitate to call it a recipe. You must have ricotta cheese and chocolate and a food processor (a fine sieve and patience will do as well). I will lay out the steps I took to achieve boxless instant pudding.





1. Process ricotta cheese until smooth. This will take much longer than you think. Taste test it for graininess. Keep pulsing.

2. Melt chocolate in microwave. You don't need to add milk, but it won't hurt.

3. Pour melted chocolate into processor and pulse again and again and again, until smooth. At this point you are done, unless you feel the need for sugar or vanilla or whatever.

4. Pour into serving vessels and chill.

*The proportions of cheese and chocolate are dependent on how much you have on hand. My ratio was about 3 parts cheese to one part chocolate.

This was magnificently simple and good. Usually, effortless recipes end up tasting, well, effortless. I will tweak this in the future, using different kinds of chocolate. This recipe is only as good as the chocolate, so if you have Wal-Mart chips in the cupboard you're gonna get Wal-Mart pudding. Sometimes, that's okay, like during a blizzard. Violet enjoyed this immensely and I didn't feel too guilty about giving it to her because it was mostly cheese. I did have to stop her though, because it has that I can't stop eating even though I am going to be sick quality about it. I made myself a little sick, but it was worth it.



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