Heathen Family Revival: ME

Showing posts with label ME. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Enough About You...

...Let's talk about me.

Nonlinear Girl tagged me for a meme and sucked me into actually participating by putting into words all of my own weird, adolescent fears about... memes, which incidentally did not exist when I was a teenager and should therefore not carry any high school angst and yet they do.

I'm rambling.

The rules are: post 10 honest things about yourself and tag 7 people to do the same. I'm only tagging 3, because I am a non-conformist.

1. I sometimes worry myself into a lather about whether or not my daughter will do something important with her life, because I feel like I have failed to do this in my own. What is "something important"? I don't know. I feel like being a mother IS important, but it's only one (albeit ginormous) stage in a woman's life and I am scrambling to find something to do once the full-time part of this gig is up. I'll always be a mother, but at some point I'll no longer be needed for 24 hour shifts. I just want Violet to see me do something, anything. I am her first role model.

2. I am desperately tired of my acne and my oily face and pretending like it doesn't bother me. I've stopped trying to fix it and that usually works, right? Once you let go of a problem it solves itself, but my skin is not playing along. Grrrrr.

3. I am a terrible housekeeper. Sure, the laundry is under control and the dishes are done, but don't look at my ceiling fans. I have layers of hairy dust on every surface higher than my reach. I'm only 5'5". You do the math.

4. I'm going to steal this one from my meme sponsor. When my daughter gets really needy I just want to run away. At bedtime, I am so touched out that I can't wait to get Violet to take a long bath. This feeling, this involuntary resentment is one of the many reasons I have for limiting our family to one child. I just don't think I have enough for two.

5. I am photographing a friend's wedding this month. It's small and casual, but I felt like I REALLY needed to have a professional (looking) camera. I want to be taken seriously. I feel better now that I have a "real" camera, even if it hasn't improved my photos that much (yet).

6. I don't like my mother, but I try my hardest to be kind, just in case my own daughter ends up feeling the same way. Karma, she is a bitch.

7. I am afraid of my daughter's uni-brow. I don't want her to be wrapped up in her looks or feel bad about her appearance, but it will have to be dealt with someday. She will have to learn to pluck or wax or shave. I want her to have a healthy attitude about it and that's a hard sell. "Here Honey, let me show you how to get rid of this completely superficial imperfection that has no bearing on your worth as a human being." Sometimes, I Photoshop it and then I feel really awful.

8. I suffer from creative tunnel vision. When I get stuck on a project or a certain craft, I forget about everything else. Right now, I am obsessed with photography, so my cooking has really suffered. I just don't care about making tasty food or devoting time to meal planning.

9. I am a binger and purger of stuff. I will accumulate fabric and yarn or clothes and shoes and then in a fit of clutter induced rage, I throw it all away. Well, I donate it away, really.

10. I don't really like memes, but when the invitation comes wrapped in a compliment that strokes the most vain parts of my ego, I cannot resist.

There you go. Here is a random photo of Violet not eating her lunch. Take it as a Thank you and a nod to what I would normally post today, Wardrobe Wednesday.

Your turn:

Secret Mom Thoughts
Feet Off the Table
Becky

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Because I'm Awesome

I like to take photographs. Have you noticed? I like to look at other people's work as well, for inspirational purposes. I ♥ Faces had a list of great photography blogs and one called the maternal lens was new to me. I checked it out and it was very cool, so I submitted some photos to their flickr pool. I was only hoping for views and some encouraging comments, but instead they picked me to be photo of the day.

I AM SO EXCITED. I CAN'T STOP TYPING IN CAPS!

Sorry, I didn't mean to shout.

*My photo is under the maternal lens link. Go there. Tout de suite!

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Then and Now Thursday

I'm really not a narcissist, but I have been known to take self portraits. I am slightly obsessed with documentation and memory. I indulge my urge to preserve the mundane by photographing myself at my most ordinary. Each photo is kind of unremarkable on it's own. I like the juxtaposition of photos separated by many years and many lifestyle changes.

Here I am in my used-to-be-a-sleazy-motel studio apartment back in 1998. I decided that day that I wanted a snapshot of what I look like in the morning, in all my groggy, angsty glory. At the time, I thought this would look edgy. A portrait of the young artist deep in contemplation of the universe. Ha!

Notice, the careful placement of my pjs, so that my tattoo just barely peeks out. I took this picture with a timer and a real 35 mm camera.

Fast forward, 11 years. Same hour of the day and I have been awake for hours. I believe I was hosting an all-day playdate. I stopped for a second to capture my bemused expression in the bathroom mirror. My powder room has great lighting. I probably took a dozen shots with my digital camera and then I picked the best and edited the crap out of it.

It is comforting to note how much of me is unchanged. Of course, I no longer allow myself to be photographed bra-less, but I let that option go when I decided to become a mother. It's a fair trade I think.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Then and (almost) Now

Thanks to facebook I am occasionally ~~horrified~~ delighted by recently unearthed and scanned photographs from the days of yore. This photo doesn't need much explanation, other than it is a cast party. Also, it is an extremely rare glimpse of me in a swimsuit.

I am vain and water is not my best look.

Fast-forward nearly ten years and my swim look is very different. In fact, it makes me pine for those days when I was merely worried about blinding people with my alabaster skin. Now, I must concern myself with how best to maintain my dignity while dealing with enormous, rogue boobs. I wear it well, but there are trusses and bungee cords under that swim dress, straining to keep my bosom under wraps. This was the last time (2006) I allowed myself to be photographed in a bathing suit. My need to document every aspect of Violet's life trumped my vanity for one morning.

Needless to say, we have not kept up with parent participatory swim lessons. Next year, she can go in without me!

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Then and Now Thursday

Then: July 10, 2005

Now: July 9, 2009

That's all I have to say about that.

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Monday, March 9, 2009

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

I got a Smoking Typewriter Award from SheShe today. It goes well with the smoke pouring out of my largely non-functional ears. Here it is:

Now, this award does not come without responsibilities. I must link back to the person who gave me the award (thanks Alesia) and I must Google my own name.

Here is what the internet thinks of me:

1. A website devoted to all people and organizations named Kelly. Sadly, I think someone is merely holding this domain name, waiting for some desperate Kelly to come along and pay a million dollars for www.Kelly.com. I believe I speak for my people when I say, "No Thank You Blog Squatter!"

2. Kelly likes to move it move it.

3. Kelly likes to make things with her hands and she spends a lot of time on schoolwork for her doctorate.
*Don't I sound fantastic?

4. Kelly likes to skin kittens alive with fire.

*I swear I do NOT actually do this.

5. Kelly likes to craft. A lot.
*Okay. You got me there internet.

6. Kelly likes to wear a lot of clothes at once. Also, a lot of jewelry. Also, sometimes her style makes no aesthetic sense at all, thus leaving the audience to wonder a. did she get dressed in the dark again? b. is she color-blind? c. or maybe just really drunk?
*This Kelly sounds like a lot of fun. Tomorrow I will wear three pairs of sweat pants at once and all of Violet's play jewelry. Then I will go to Wal-Mart. Will anyone notice?

Now, I will pass the torch to a few other bloggers, who may or may not have smoke coming out of their typewriters.

MommaBear
Feet Off The Table
Such Lovely Freckles
Shady Lady

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Hair of the Blog: Clean Shaven

Those of you looking for high brow entertainment and thoughtful posts on the issues of our time, should probably look away. This and that should keep you busy while I attend to some hirsute business. I'm participating in a friendly little competition to see who can produce the gnarliest, hairiest legs by February 13. Click the on the hairy pits to your right if you'd like to play along or just investigate our lunacy.

Now. Down to business. My freshly shaved leg.

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday Flashback

My high school classmates on Facebook have been posting these little gems all week. Here I am, circa 1987, enjoying the national mall. I'm sure I was slightly disappointed that the "mall" was not an actual shopping mall. The highlight of this trip was when we 5th graders discovered a Jolt Cola vending machine in the food court. I also remember nodding in and out of consciousness during a visit to the Capitol building. We were in a balcony of some sort over looking either the Senate or Congress and I kept jolting awake with the distinct feeling that I was plunging forward to my death. Our class got to meet our state Representative Jim Traficant (visit the link, his photo is worth it) and he nearly crushed my little friend Cathy to death in an enthusiastic photo op hug.

I spent a lot of time crafting the outfit you see me wearing here. I wanted to be comfortable and fashionable for my whirlwind 36 hour trip to D.C.

(We got on a bus at 2AM. Drove all night, saw the sights and got back on the bus late in the evening to drive home again. I can't understand why my mother didn't want to chaperone. )

Anyway... I built the outfit entirely around my new, red, Chuck Taylor hi-tops. The pants had big silver zippers on the front, for flair. Don't be fooled by those suspenders! They are not on backwards. I was just that cool. I fancied myself an extra on the set of a film like Ferris Buellers's Day Off or Sixteen Candles.

I don't want to talk about the perm.

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Monday, January 12, 2009

My Belly, Before, During and After

I felt like a little context was necessary to get the full effect of my belly photo. My tattoo is practically undecipherable post-pregnancy.

Now! Show me yours!

*Man! This new camera certainly shows the detail. Maybe I should have put a little vaseline on the lens for this last one.

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What Does Your Belly Look Like?

This morning I discovered a really cool blog called The Belly Project. Friends Christy Tashjian and Karen Rayne started this project to combat the prevailing media imagery of perfectly fake bellies. Christy is a midwife and Karen is a Sex Educator, so they know a little something about what a real belly looks like.

You can post your own belly photo, anonymously. It is really affirming to see the variety of shapes and sizes out there. I just sent my own picture, but I am tempted to post it here for you as well. This would effectively end my belly anonymity, but I've got an itch to do it. Should I? I will leave it to you, my readers, to decide. I mean, if you don't WANT to see my stretch marks, there's really no point in doing it, is there?

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Monday, January 5, 2009

Five Questions...

Michelle insisted on asking me a few questions (okay, I begged her to interview me).
Be careful what you wish for. These questions were harder than I thought they'd be.

1. What is your best memory? Why do you think it has stuck with you all these years?
This is really hard to answer. If you ask me again in a month or a year, I will tell you something different. Right now, I am remembering the spring and summer of 1995. I was living with my Grandparents. My mother had created a toxic environment around me in my teen years and when I left it was like breathing for the first time. I looked at the boyfriend and said, "I don't need you anymore." I broke up with him (he makes an appearance in #3) and I started to become myself. I stopped caring what other people thought of me. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was getting the hell outta Dodge in September and I just had fun for 6 whole months. I never felt so free. When I finally got to my dorm room in the fall of '95, I said to myself, "I never want this to end!" I knew it was it was the best time of my life and I made the most of it.

2. Have you ever had a recurring nightmare? What was it and why do you think you kept having that nightmare? (In other words, did you analyse yourself?)
When I was about 5-6 years old I had a dream about being put through a series of ringers and gears and pulleys. It was like a cartoon. It wasn't really scary, but it would sometimes make me feel strange. I was being extruded into shapes or flattened like a pancake. The feeling of the dream was what stuck with me. I could feel myself being squished, but it didn't hurt. Why? I was different and constantly being molded into something less like myself. Ooh, sudden brainwave! I would also dream about my mother falling apart like a 3-dimensional puzzle and I would have to put her back together again. That one is pretty much self explanatory. My mom has always been a mess.

3. It's (however many years ago) and you just had sex for the first time ever. What went through your mind?
Ugh! I felt awful. It was 1993. I was 16. He was my first boyfriend and he was two years older than me. I never thought he was cute. I remember struggling for something reciprocal to say when he would tell me I was beautiful. Um, you're persistent? Punctual? I was more attracted to the attention he gave me and I became co-dependent. My mom and second husband had recently divorced and I was a lonely kid. So, one night before play practice he got carried away and I didn't know how to say NO. I was embarrassed and he took my feverish cheeks to be a sign of passion. The whole debacle made me late for rehearsal and I felt like everyone's eyes were on me when I walked in the door. It was like they could see what had happened. The boy bought me McNuggets, because I must have been "hungry after that workout." Ahh, I was not the confident, together lady you see today. I dated him for nearly two years.

4. What have you dreamed of doing? Why haven't you done it?
I want to live in New York City. I have my whole life. I was too afraid when I was younger. I felt like I missed my opportunity to do it when I stayed in Ohio for college. Now, it's all about finances and family and reality, bah! We have a whole support system here for Violet and that's more important than my dream of riding the subway while doing the NY Times crossword puzzle and walking to my Greenwich village loft after an afternoon in Central Park.

5. Since high school, what experience or event has changed you the most? Describe the experience and how have you changed.
Motherhood has changed me the most. I don't know if I can even begin to express what it has done to me. I was a selfish, lazy, time waster before I had Violet. I can remember laying around for days on end, letting dishes pile up and trash overflow, all the while complaining about how bored I was. I'm a believer in constructive boredom, but I never seemed to capitalize on it when I was just me. Then, we had to really work hard to conceive and I started to grow up, FAST. I was so excited to have a baby and yet the reality of pregnancy nearly broke my heart. It was nothing like the vivid dreams I had had where my body seemed to be filled with warm, ambient light and joy shot out of every pore. Vomit shot out of my mouth instead. I wanted to die, everyday, for four months. My co-workers treated me like a science experiment. I could hear the irritation in their voices when I needed help lifting something (I worked in a used book store). I was reprimanded for taking too many sick days and for snacking on the job. The snacking was not against the rules, but apparently I was encouraging a specific, over-weight, depressive staffer to snack instead of work. All of these people who had been my friends for years, suddenly looked right through me, like I was a ghost. It was a sad initiation into the Mommy Club, but it made me realize how shallow my friendships had been up until that point in my life. I had to find a new tribe and that's not easy to do when you are confined to Mommytown. I did it though and I am much happier for it. I walked through fire and came out on the other side a different person.

Whew! That was a mental workout! Thanks Michelle. Who's next?

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Interview with Myself!

Round One

1. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Violet. All the live-long day!
2. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS!...and the post holiday hermit routine that I indulge in every year after I have exhausted myself with frivolity.
3. Who was the last person you called?
I called the substitute teacher hotline for my Aunt, because she literally has no audible voice whatsover. Thank the series-of-tubes Gods for e-mail right?
4. What were you doing at 12am last night?
I was sleeping next to Violet whom I stole from bed to keep me warm while Aaron was away.
5. What did you fear was going to get you as a child?
I truly feared the big unexplainable aspects of the universe. I would think, "What's keeping the world from just ceasing to exist?" I was also terribly afraid that I would live my whole life without finding another person who totally understood and accepted me. Ha Ha Ha! I was a fun kid...
6. When did you last see your mom?
Oh sweet Jesus...let me give you the tour of my daughter's third birthday festival/fiasco.
7. What are you wearing right now?
Sweats.
8. Where is your favorite place to be?
Here. Seriously, I suck that way.
9. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Anyplace where I do not have an easy exit. Social obligations like all-girl baby showers and un-fun weddings.
10. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I would go to New York City or London.
11. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
I will be here, weeping about the impending womanhood of my precious baby daughter.
12. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Telling my friend Jeannine that my pet name for my husband is Jackass.
13. What cities/towns/villages have you lived in?
Sumter, SC (birth)
Hermitage, PA
Masury, OH
Brookfield, OH
Toledo, OH
Dayton, OH
I'm a real globetrotter.
14. Are you a social person?
When I am well rested and in the presence of good friendly people, I can be the life of the party. I am not social two days in a row.
15. What do you like about winter?
I can indulge my hermit-ness without rousing suspicion of my mental health...oh, and the cookies.

Round Two -
Unconscious Mutterings:

I say … and you think … ?

Coverage - bras
Cynical - mean
Gust - wind
Improvised - made from recycled materials
V - Violet
Guests - dust
Brutal - teenage girls
Grant - student loans
Pull - making the bed with Violet
streaming- water

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BlogHer Mom Blog Search (Dads too)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Enough About You...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Because I'm Awesome

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Then and Now Thursday

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Then and (almost) Now

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Then and Now Thursday

Monday, March 9, 2009

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Hair of the Blog: Clean Shaven

Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday Flashback

Monday, January 12, 2009

My Belly, Before, During and After

What Does Your Belly Look Like?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Five Questions...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Interview with Myself!

Wardrobe Wednesday-ers

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