Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A Shaky Start and a Strong Finish

I rang in the new millennium at a monumentally lame party thrown by friends of my roommate/boyfriend/mouth-breathing loser.  They were nice enough people, but they weren't people I'd call my friends. For fun they had their very own War of 1812 regiment. On weekends this crowd pretended to kill each other whilst wearing realistic costumes and sleeping in vintage tents on the wet ground. Like I said, nice people, but I like to keep my costume wearing confined to the play acting/ Halloween party milieu.

Anywho, the whole ushering in of the 2000s was a bit underwhelming. None of the computers failed. Money was in my checking account the next day and a meteor did not collide with the earth to put me out of my lingering 90s misery. The disappointment I felt as the ball dropped us into a new century shook me into reevaluating my life and where I wanted it to go.  I looked at my drunk mouth-breather and thought, "Nope. Not the direction I'm looking for." 

By June I made it clear to my boyfriend that I would be leaving Toledo (without him) and he should conduct himself accordingly. I resigned from my job and accepted my aunt's offer of shelter in Dayton.

I was 23. Sigh.

As I was unemployed and virtually without responsibility for a few weeks, I spent some time taking up space at a Borders bookstore.  One afternoon, a well-known local psychic was giving readings in the cafe. A dramatic shift in one's life tends to open the flood gates to the contemplation of fate and what-will-become-of-me, so I plunked down $5 to buy a glimpse into my future. 

I am not a believer in God, or true love or unalterable fate, but ESP and telepathy and all that super-natural hogwash fascinates me.  I love it. I have a set of tarot cards in my bedside drawer. Now you know.

In short, the psychic predicted that children would be very important in my life and that I would have some soon.  Ha! With what sperm donor, kind lady? The man I was to marry would turn up shortly, but there would be some confusion for me.  Apparently, two men were to come into my life at about the same time and I would have to choose.  The psychic assured me that the right choice was going to be obvious.  Then she said some eerily accurate stuff about my dead grandmother and great-grandmothers and freaked me out enough to think she might be onto something with this husband business.

In July, I got a job at a different bookstore (the venerable, no longer independent Books & Co.) and swiftly began dating the staff Casanova (super nerdy bookstore version).  It was fun, but awkward. Our conversations seem to sputter to halt when we weren't making out.  No one, including myself, thought it would develop into anything serious because it was sort of a rite of passage for new girls to take their turn with this guy. 

In August, Casanova left town to visit friends and I felt weird about it.  No other way to put it.  That's when I met Aaron.  He was sloppy and tired and sad and I knew immediately that I should stay away from him.  Yet, he drew me to him.  During our first conversation he asked me if I had a husband or boyfriend or illegitimate children. I reluctantly agreed to go out with him, right after he admitted to me that he was lonely because his fiance left him a month before their wedding. I know. A giant red-flag sprout from his head and I said yes anyway. The psychic made me do it. I had to figure out which guy was the obvious choice.  I sorta thought the date with Aaron was going to confirm my suspicion that Casanova was the best choice.  I was 6 weeks out from 24th birthday.

The rest is history.  I married Aaron on my birthday and never broke up with the other guy (the gossip took care of that for me).   Ahem.

This whole post was just a bloated introduction to my favorite photo, as requested by MrsW.  She thought for sure it would be a picture of Violet, but I'm nothing if not unpredictable (actually I'm totally predictable, usually).


Newlywed and looking forward to a great adventure.  We were naive and blissfully unaware of how tough and wonderful and shitty and spectacular the aughts would be... and our hair matched.  This photo is our beginning in a neat, tidy little package. It makes my heart flutter.

What is your favorite photo?  Preferably it is one taken by yourself or a member of your immediate family, but I suppose if an Ansel Adams still makes you weak despite all the gorgeous pictures of your loved ones, then whatever, I'm not here to judge.

Show me, with or without a lengthy exposition.  I love to see what you love. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like I do right after my second Pomegranate Martini.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Married



Married.

For nine years.

That's a long time. It's longer than my parents were married. It's longer than The Cosby Show was on the air. Yet... it doesn't feel like a long time. It doesn't feel as if we've been laboring on a chain gang for the length of our marriage. We work on our relationship, but it feels like the kind of work I was built for, we were built to do together.

And Violet...

What can I say about the sticky, sweet glue that is our child. I thought I loved and needed and appreciated Aaron before we replicated ourselves. I had no idea. And still, I persist in underestimating the depth of affection I am capable of. I underestimated the entire universe of emotion in those blurry, childless, early years of my life with Aaron. So fuzzy are those days of yore, that I am fairly certain that nothing really existed before Violet...nothing except Aaron.

Marriage and family makes for a fine case of amnesia.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Love Defined


There are hugs and kisses, smiles and presents.  Meals cooked and beds made.  It's easy to squeeze a hand and whisper I Love You.  I need and appreciate all those things, but they are not the real proof of love in this house.  The real proof is my husband.

If I once wondered what love looks like, I don't anymore.  Love looks like a man walking out the door everyday to go do a job he not only dislikes, but actually puts him in real danger. Everyday.

I try my best to do my part, to make an equal sacrifice. I cannot. I am simply not as strong or as selfless as my husband is.  He encourages me to write, to take pictures, to make things and then he goes to work.  Sometimes I feel more guilty than I can express. I try not to think about it because cheering me up would just be one more thing that my overworked husband has to do during his day.

I never imagined myself turning into this traditional wife and mother person. In some ways I am still that radical, young feminist, but then I start baking bread and folding clothes and my edge gets blurry.  I'm just so grateful to have this brave, amazing, hardworking man taking care of me and my daughter, that I no longer care if people think of me as anti-feminist. I am me. I am lucky. I am so loved.

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How does your family show their love?  Write about it and you could win a gorgeous Paloma Picasso Loving Heart Pendant from the Parent Bloggers Network and Insure Your Love.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Heathen Family Marriage


On October 20, 2000 I turned 24 and I got married. It was a Friday and I had known my groom for approximately 6 weeks. The ceremony was conducted at the home of the newly elected Mayor of Huber Heights and the only photographs were taken by the mayor's wife Barbie on a digital camera with a quality level similar to that of a Commodore 64. I have spent the past eight years attempting to turn these pixelated images into actual photographs. My latest and most desperately abstract effort has inspired me to ponder the fantastically, unlikely success of my marriage. It's good practice for when my daughter wants to know why it was okay for her parents to get married so impulsively, but it is not okay for her to do the same.

I moved to Dayton, Ohio in June of 2000. I had recently graduated from the University of Toledo and due to a series of catastrophic errors in judgment, I was living with an asthmatic pothead who also happened to be my boss at a job that didn't pay enough to allow me to live on my own. My beloved Aunt invited me to come live rent free in her newly acquired house and I was on my way to a fresh start. I had been to Dayton numerous times visiting my Aunt, but I had no social network to speak of. It was a glorious rebirth for me. I got a job in a bookstore and started building a mystery as Sarah McLaughlin would put it. It was great fun weaving the tale of my glamorous past as a collegiate actor, dysfunctional daughter and perennial smart-ass. It gave me an opportunity to write hundreds of pages of self-indulgent poetry alongside my hippie/poet Aunt and her stable of poet friends. It wasn't long before I caught the eye of a fellow bookslinger, who had a reputation for seducing the new female hires. I began dating the bookstore Valentino in earnest. I was keen to get the relationship underway because I had a prophecy to fulfill.

During my first weeks in Dayton, I spent a lot of time doing research on being a bookslinger. It was my little dream. In hindsight, I can see that I was desperate to set a goal for myself that might appear lofty, but was in fact ridiculously attainable. I was hanging out at a Border's one day when they had a psychic doing readings in the cafe. My future was wide open and the suspense was killing me, so I plunked down $5 and waited to hear about the fabulous things to come in my life. I got a little more than I bargained for. It turns out that the woman who did my reading was a very well-respected medium/spiritual counselor. She began telling me about the strong female ancestors who were buzzing around my aura, silently guiding me and protecting me. I don't believe in Jesus, but boy am I sucker for this supernatural crap. The psychic went on to generalize about how important children were in my life (I had just left a job working with kids) and that I would have children of my own very soon. I'm sure my eyebrows went up at that point as I thought to myself, Please let them be legitimate. She went on to explain a complicated romantic plot. I was going to meet my future husband very soon, but there would also be another guy hanging around and I would have to choose. Supposedly, the right choice would be clear to me when the time came to make my decision. I felt electric and immediately began imagining passing strangers as my groom.

Cut to my budding romance with the bookstore Valentino. Valentino was heading out of town to visit a friend in Wisconsin and I was feeling strange about the whole thing. We hadn't been dating long, but we had slept together and I was a little surprised that he would leave me so soon. It had always been my experience in matters of romance that my hot body was so irresistible that any man who was permitted near it would cancel his whole schedule and bend to my will. No sooner than Valentino was out of town, I met the Sloppy Guy. Sloppy Guy was getting ready to quit the bookstore. He had a real job as a security supervisor with Delphi and he was tired of being tired. Why would you work two jobs if you didn't have to? Ah, Sloppy Guy had taken a second job to pay for his (called-off) wedding. In between bursts of flirty, witty banter, I learned all about the Sloppy Guy's recent personal history. Like, how he had supported his fiance through college and was supposed to quit his jobs after the wedding and take his turn at school. Or, how his fiance announced that she couldn't marry him and he had to sit in the rain at the wedding venue and wait for any stray guests that might show up expecting a ceremony. And then there was the matter of getting his real job back, since he wouldn't be going to college after all. The final red flag was Sloppy Guy's admission that he had just bought a dog to help combat his loneliness. He was totally and completely broken. My first instinct was to resist him, for obvious reasons. I had a long-standing record of dating men who were chubby physically imperfect and disheveled. I thought it was important to love people who were beautiful on the inside and it had been my experience that men who paid too much attention to their physiques were assholes. This flawed generalization got me into trouble with the pothead back in Toledo and now I was a little gun-shy about Sloppy Guy's sloppiness. Still, I had a prophecy to worry about and Sloppy Guy was soooo charming, even when he was telling me his mournful tale of love gone wrong. I was also on a deadline. Sloppy Guy's last day was fast approaching. I decided to let things happen.

My first date with Sloppy Guy Aaron was on Labor Day. I met the dog, I saw the nearly unfurnished apartment he had been banished to by his breakup and I didn't run away. We had a nice dinner at the Olive Garden and went back to his place to watch Ferris Buehler's Day Off. It was the most subtle romantic gift I had ever been given. I had mentioned only once how much I love that movie. I fell fast and furious and for real. The idea of becoming engaged never felt right. I had been engaged before, so had Aaron. In both cases, the arrangements were really just last ditch efforts to keep together doomed relationships. I didn't think anyone would take us seriously if we announced we were engaged after only a few weeks of dating. I wanted no speculation, no doubts spoken aloud. Aaron asked me to marry him everyday that we were together until one morning in the shower I looked him in the eye and said yes and meant it. We agreed that we would get the marriage license and if we chickened out, it would expire with no harm done. Incidentally, the clerk who did our paperwork was the same clerk that did Aaron's other, recently expired marriage license and yes, he remembered Aaron.

Aaron and I did not chicken out, but the doubts and speculation came anyway. There were quite a few bets made by our co-workers in the book world. Valentino must have been more than a little bit confused, but we've never spoken of it. He is a dear friend to our family now and has been dating the same girl for as long as Aaron and I have been married. I like to think that I shook him up a bit. My various parents/grandparents were not very happy with me, but I was participating in a family legacy of secret, runaway marriages and they could only complain for so long. Now, everyone loves Aaron so much that they are embarrassed to admit that they once feared he was going to chop me up and bury me in an abandoned lot.

The fact is, we were both at the bottom of our respective barrels. We were both starting over from scratch. Aaron and I were taking advantage of a rare opportunity to reevaluate who we really wanted to be and how we wanted to live for the rest of our lives. I had unpacked baggage everywhere and so did Aaron. It was easy to see how our foundation should be put together, what with all the parts laid bare at our feet. It was hard work, but we never saw any reason to be insecure about the path we were on. Of course, we had absolutely nothing left to distract us from the task at hand.

So, what will I tell Violet about love and relationships? The same thing I was told, I guess. A successful marriage has done nothing to improve my eloquence on the subject.

When you know, you know. You know?

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