Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts

Friday, October 2, 2009

It's Like a Blow Torch to the Nads...No, Really






Right now my husband is resting, like a 19th century lady who has swooned upon hearing tragic news. He has a headache. He is justifiably behaving like a weenie, because today is the day he voluntarily allows a little old Pakistani man to take a laser to his nether regions.

We've talked about vasectomy for two years now. We've known for some time that one child is all we ever need and want. When you hit the lottery, you don't play again, right? Of course, some people don't understand why we're bothering. You're infertile, aren't you? Why submit my husband to this sort of medieval torture, when chances are his sperm are mostly useless?

Violet is something of a miracle. Sure, Clomid made the egg a bigger target, but that sperm still had to find it's way there and it did. Aaron's stock is not dead. It is profoundly lazy and kind of stupid, but we all know that lazy and stupid get lucky sometimes. As a family, we are semi-charmed. Blessings always come wrapped in stinky packaging. If an accidental pregnancy had happened, we would have loved that poop machine to pieces, but it didn't and it's time for us to move on. We've spent a lot of time coming to terms with our family size. It's a big decision, especially when you are as young as we are. I could spend the next ten years trying to have babies, but I'd rather not. It was too hard and we are happy as a threesome.

So, this afternoon my husband will bravely submit his crotch to the hot knife and we will never again need to wonder if nature has cooked up an inconvenient miracle for us. Aaron is terrified right now, but in a few days he will feel liberated and so will I.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Million Dollar Baby: Part 5

Have you lost interest in my long suffering, five part series? You can refresh your memory with these links: 1, 2, 3, 4.

When Aaron and I embarked on our IUI adventure we quickly realized that we could not afford the procedures for very long.  If it didn't work, we could certainly not afford to move on to IVF.  I was totally unwilling to pay $10,000 for something that only offered a 25% chance of success.  If reproductive failure seemed assured we would save up our money and spend it on adoption. I am nothing, if not frugal, even when it comes to acquiring babies.  Seriously, I found myself feeling increasingly more guilty about spending all of this money on the vanity of replicating my own genetic material.  I had always viewed having a child as a totally selfish endeavor, given the state of the world, and paying for the privilege felt truly extravagant.

Halfway through our fifth cycle of IUI, the money dried up.  Previously, I only needed one ultrasound to determine the size of my follicles and then the insemination would be scheduled based on those results.  When the doctor insisted that I needed another ultrasound in a few days, because I wasn't quite ready, I started to sweat.  We squeaked out another $100, only to be told again that I wasn't ready for insemination.  At that point, I knew it was over.  I scheduled the ultrasound, knowing that I had no intention of keeping the appointment. I was too embarrassed to tell them no.

It was mid-October (2004) and Aaron and I decided that the best thing to do was take a break.  We would enjoy our anniversary and my birthday and then the holidays would come.  The New Year seemed like a good time to start again.  It was an enormous relief.  I have never felt so light.  Neither of us realized until that moment just how stressed out we were.

Are you feeling nervous yet?  Have you done the math faithful readers?  Violet was born July 19, 2005. Subtract about 40 weeks and you will find yourself on the day of my own birth, which is also my wedding anniversary, October 20. 

That's right.  After all that ridiculous scheduling and sperm washing and humiliating hoo-hoo scanning, we managed to conceive a baby all by ourselves, with dignity, on the living room couch.  The combined power of my birthday, our anniversary and a burden removed made for some good times in the Heathen household that night.  I will say no more, because I know that my Grandma sometimes reads this blog and I don't want to give her a stroke. 

Stay tuned for Violet's birth story, which I will write to commemorate her fourth birthday.  That's when I will eliminate all doubt as to whether or not I will ever again play host to a fetus.

I don't believe in pressing my luck.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Million Dollar Baby: Part 4

Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3...




While I was enjoying the seduction of a transvaginal ultrasound wand, my sainted husband was enduring the indignity of masturbating into a little plastic cup... immediately after completing the equivalent of a hundred yard dash.

Apparently, the sperm centrifuge cannot, under any circumstances, be used after 3 PM.  There are no exceptions. Aaron was still in his probationary period at work and he was on first shift,  7 AM - 2 PM.  He also had a 45 minute commute (still does).  I try not to think about how many traffic laws were broken in our pursuit of reproduction. Somehow, Aaron always managed to arrive safely, with enough time to do his business and deliver the specimen to the sperm washer.  If he ran from the car, he even had time to enjoy a little bit of the complimentary porn.

At $300 a shot (hardy har har), it was like buying a really lazy hooker, with a 15 minute time limit.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Million Dollar Baby: Part 3

You can read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.


2004 was a big year for us.  I was working at Half Price Books, which gave me awesome health insurance and profit sharing.  Aaron was hired by the State of Ohio to do the highly dangerous and stressful work that he continues doing to this very day. Oh, and they gave him some pretty sweet benefits as well. 

Four years of marriage was nothing. Being insured had made us grown-ups, at last.  Since we were grown-ups, the next logical thing to do was to go get us some babies. Spontaneously generating offspring were clearly not in the cards for us, so Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) was suggested by our fertility doctor(s).

I was naive enough to believe that we would be attended by a kind and forthright doctor, someone who would see us personally through the whole process. That's not how it works.  The sweet, balding little man who we met with at our first appointment was replaced by a rotating selection of cold, stern, doctors.  One of them had a snow white handle bar mustache.  He waxed the hair on his face and twisted it up like SnidelyWhiplash and yet he possessed zero personality and no sense of humor. How can a man with a handle bar mustache be so serious?

Anywho...  IUI involves the use of a drug called Clomid and frequent ultrasounds. We're talkin', up the hoo-hoo ultrasounds, not those cute belly scans you see on TV. Maybe I've been spoiled by an attentive lover, but I like to think that it's polite to remember a woman who's vagina you've peered into.  But, every time I went in for a scan I had to introduce myself all over again.  Dr. Handle Bar repeated the same question to me each time I saw him. Looking at my exposed crotch he would say, "Oh, you're a red head! Do you have endometriosis? It's more common with red heads."

"Are you an insensitive narcissicist? It's more common in men with snow, white handle bar mustaches."

I paid $100 for each and every one of those invasive, impersonal, vaginal ultrasounds. Good times.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Million Dollar Baby: Part 2

You can read Part 1, here.

 
Shortly after I got my first period, I started dreaming about pregnancy. No, not day dreaming.  I was not one of those talk show teenagers who believed psychotically deeply that the solution to all of their problems was a bun in the oven.  No. My hormones were trying to trick me, but I was too smart for that.  My reluctant career as a babysitter had taught me one thing; kids are kind of a pain in the ass.

The pregnancy dreams were vivid, nonetheless, and I came to enjoy them.  The idea of taking care of a baby didn't appeal to me, but the feeling of being pregnant did.  You see, in my estrogen fueled dreams, I was filled with the light of a million fairies. I was warmed from within and I shot light and joy out of every pore.  It was the happiest, calmest, most unearthly thing I had ever experienced.  I can totally understand how hapless, young girls are seduced by this ovulatory cocktail. It was powerful.

As a part of the dream, I was always made pregnant through no fault of my own. I was also, not raped. I fancied myself the Virgin Mary, I suppose.  Anyway, this elaborate monthly movie that played out in my sleep left a deep imprint on my nascent maternal brain. I didn't realize how deeply, until I was confronted with the facts of my fertility situation.

As a child of teenagers, who were the children of teenagers before them, I assumed that pregnancy was something that manifested totally by happy accident. Family planning? I was shocked, SHOCKED, when it became clear that my uterus would not respond positively to the very first drop of maritally delivered semen it received.  I also thought that my adolescent avoidance of an unwanted pregnancy had been because of my superior intellect and careful use of the pull-out method. 

My introduction to the world of assisted reproduction was soul crushing, on a couple of levels...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Million Dollar Baby: Part 1


Miracle of Creation
Originally uploaded by Orin Optiglot

The urologist who first tested my husband's sperm told him, "If your wife gets pregnant, you should get a paternity test." He then referred us to a fertility specialist.


He was the first of many medical personnel who would offer us mixed messages and gloomy encouragement and then ask for a check.


Actually, the doctors never talked about money and if you pressed them for an estimate they got all flustered and begged ignorance on the current fee schedule. The sad receptionist was the one who had to deal with our panicked faces as we added up the fees in our head and wrote the check with crossed fingers. At some point during our assisted reproduction odyssey, it became clear to me that these ladies didn't often deal with folks on a budget. They were much more comfortable with the understanding that, if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Normally, I would take my business elsewhere when faced with such dismal customer service, but I didn't know where else to go. And, my sweet husband wanted to minimize the number of people in the Miami Valley who had first hand knowledge of his sperm count and all it's shortcomings.


We pressed on...

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