Friday, December 18, 2009

The War on Christmas Comes Home


I generally stay above the fray on the topic of the "true meaning" of Christmas; fingers in my ears, dancing on the couch and humming Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  We celebrate the holidays in the most secular way possible. Sure, a few hymns bust their way into our playlist, but nostalgia and a good orchestral arrangement cannot be denied. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen can really rock the house when done right.  I'm digressing. 

We, The Heathen Family, couldn't care less how you choose to greet us this holiday season.  We like 'em all. Everything is eat, drink and be merry as far as we're concerned.  Too much commercialism? Bah!  If you don't want to buy s*#t, don't buy s*#t.  Hell, I make half the gifts I give. If you are offended by holiday music, stock up on groceries in October and hope for the best. Does the GAP make you mad by blatantly disregarding the superiority of Christianity during this season of wonder? Well, they'd love you to boycott them. It's great for sweater sales. 

Or, or... maybe you just stop whining and eat some damn cookies.

Why so scrunchy Kelly? Why? The holidays never seem to get you down.  Who peed in your egg nog?

I spend a lot of time thinking about, planning and executing our holiday card every year.  Usually, I have my pictures printed by October, when I cash in my free prints on Shutterfly. Since I'm not going to be proclaiming my love for Christ with these cards, they tend to be funny. We're a funny family. The holiday card is our way of sending everyone we love a wee bit of our happy, goofy selves.

For Violet's First Christmas we sent this photo out:

We were forced to assure everyone that we did not actually hang Violet from the mantle. True story.

Last year, I couldn't find a decent photo of the three of us together so I photoshopped this instead:

I can see now that omitting the Christ in Christmas was my downfall, but I really couldn't fit the whole word in that spot.

This year, we made a genuine effort to take a real family photo for our Christmas card. A friend met us at a park and started snapping. Almost none of the photos were flattering of the old married people. Violet could look radiant covered in her own vomit, but I am VAIN. Yes, I said it. I am vain and if I am going to look less than my best, I am going to do it with a sense of humor (the husband feels this way as well).  Luckily, I brought Groucho glasses to our photo shoot.  We all had a good laugh. We Heathens crack ourselves up. Apparently, others were not so amused.

Behold, the most offensive Christmas card we have ever sent:

It's ironic, faux vintage and utterly ridiculous. It is also a clear sign of our rapid decent into hell. We are being prayed for. True story.

So, I guess I need you all to tell me what you think.  What is it about this card that is so offensive? Do we look like Hitler impersonators? Is it the yellow-y vintage effect on the image that is unsettling? Someone offered me the criticism that the photo is just "not Christmas-y".  Perhaps if we had stood in front of a noble fir, festooned with twinkly lights this discussion would never have happened?

Ah, screw it! I think it's funny.

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