Sometimes... I think about having another baby.
Actually, I think about having another baby every month on the 12th day of my cycle whether I want to think about it or not. The feeling is brief, but intense.
It drives me fucking crazy.
This month my hormones get me so drunk that I found myself staring at babies with a hungry look. I started thinking about soft baby skin and the tiny fingers and toes. I imagined myself nursing a perfect little baby and when I looked down at her, I saw Violet.
I always see Violet.
Her face morphs and changes and matures before my eyes and I realize that I am mourning her babyhood, again.
I was getting Violet out of the bath tub the other night and I was suddenly thrust into the moment. Time stood still for about ten seconds and I just stared at her face in utter astonishment. The universe went mute and I watched water drop from the end of her nose in slow motion. Just as I was getting a really good look at those dark lashes and tiny freckles, time sped up and she was a blur once more.
Sand through my fingers.