In the 4+ years since I conceived the beautiful and talented Miss Violet, I have conducted a number of informal scientific experiments and studies. They are too numerous to name in total, but I've compiled the data on some of my most interesting findings.
- The probability of crippling morning sickness striking immediately after buying more groceries than you have ever purchased before is 100%. The probability that a pregnant lady will vomit every time she opens her refrigerator/ rotten food containment unit, also 100%.
- Do real expectant mothers fit into the cute hip-hugger style maternity jeans that they sell at Old Navy, Motherhood, etc? The answer is no, not even a little bit. In fact, the only people buying these pants must be sorority girls who want to secretly allow room for their burgeoning beer guts.
- How long can a new Mommy go without pooping before she must schlep her entire squalling, covered in breast milk family back to the hospital? 7 days. At 7 days postpartum, 9 months of backed up excrement will cause Mommy to believe she is tragically on the verge of dying from a botched c-section. The nurses try not to giggle as they hand the uber-constipated mother a bottle of liquid industrial laxative.
- How many espresso brownies does it take to make nursing mother and child so crazed and spastic that Daddy suspects they've been poisoned by rogue neighborhood meth cooks? I don't really know the answer to that one. I was unable to count after the fourth or fifth brownie.
- Will a child remember music they were exposed to in the womb? Yes. Shamefully, my daughter stands at attention whenever she hears the theme from Friends.
- How much exposure to Disney media does it take to brainwash a small child? A single viewing of Cinderella will cause irreversible damage to the Princess Resistance Cortex.
- How many pairs of dry panties must accompany a potty training child on any outing longer than 45 minutes? The equation is simple: Add up the number of panties that can reasonably be carried in a purse and add one more.