Sunday, November 23, 2008

Heathen Lab O' Science

In the 4+ years since I conceived the beautiful and talented Miss Violet, I have conducted a number of informal scientific experiments and studies. They are too numerous to name in total, but I've compiled the data on some of my most interesting findings.

  1. The probability of crippling morning sickness striking immediately after buying more groceries than you have ever purchased before is 100%. The probability that a pregnant lady will vomit every time she opens her refrigerator/ rotten food containment unit, also 100%.
  2. Do real expectant mothers fit into the cute hip-hugger style maternity jeans that they sell at Old Navy, Motherhood, etc? The answer is no, not even a little bit. In fact, the only people buying these pants must be sorority girls who want to secretly allow room for their burgeoning beer guts.
  3. How long can a new Mommy go without pooping before she must schlep her entire squalling, covered in breast milk family back to the hospital? 7 days. At 7 days postpartum, 9 months of backed up excrement will cause Mommy to believe she is tragically on the verge of dying from a botched c-section. The nurses try not to giggle as they hand the uber-constipated mother a bottle of liquid industrial laxative.
  4. How many espresso brownies does it take to make nursing mother and child so crazed and spastic that Daddy suspects they've been poisoned by rogue neighborhood meth cooks? I don't really know the answer to that one. I was unable to count after the fourth or fifth brownie.
  5. Will a child remember music they were exposed to in the womb? Yes. Shamefully, my daughter stands at attention whenever she hears the theme from Friends.
  6. How much exposure to Disney media does it take to brainwash a small child? A single viewing of Cinderella will cause irreversible damage to the Princess Resistance Cortex.
  7. How many pairs of dry panties must accompany a potty training child on any outing longer than 45 minutes? The equation is simple: Add up the number of panties that can reasonably be carried in a purse and add one more.
What pseudo-scientific discoveries have you made as a parent? Stay tuned for my next long-term study. The distracting, sedative effects of Ambien commercials on small children...

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