Tuesday, November 4, 2008

They Finally Fit!

I have never had the kind of body that fits easily into off the rack clothes. When I was very skinny, I simply wore whatever fit clung to my hip bones and I worked the adorably slack look. Now that my body has enjoyed the journey of motherhood, I find that I am too voluptuous for clothes that hang from my hip bones, because my hip bones no longer protrude. I have no waist and uneven hips. I also have enormous boobs. I know, I can hear the Itty-Bitty Titty Commitee boo me from their AA conference right now. I have offered on numerous occasions to donate my mammaries to anyone who is willing to pay for the surgery, but I've had no takers. They give me back aches and neck aches and cost me a fortune in equipment. My bazooms also make it hard to find clothes that fit. Oxfords and blouses? I look as if I may blind passersby with my straining buttons. Fitted shirts and tees? My heaving bosoms take up all the extra room that was intended for tummy coverage. I found myself wearing my old maternity clothes, well after the acceptable transition period had passed. Because, as you may recall, maternity clothes have a little extra room for swollen breasts. No one was the wiser. When I would pass the maternity section in stores I would look longingly at all the cute clothes that I didn't wear when I was expecting, because I became allergic to cute clothes and could only bring myself to wear a shapeless brown dress and a pair maternity sweat pants. Seams of any kind were my enemy and my belly was so vast in comparison to my hips that I could scarcely keep a pair of panties up. So, as I was wandering out of the dressing room at Old Navy, feeling defeated by the simple t-shirts I had just tried on, I fondled a few maternity tees. They were the same fabric and style as the shirts my boobs had just tried to eat, but they had a very subtle A-Line cut. The light bulb appeared above my head and I ran back into the dressing room, feeling like I had just invented calorie free chocolate. The maternity tee fit perfectly. There was room for my chest and the shirt didn't cling unflatteringly to my lumpy midsection. I regularly buy maternity clothes for myself now. Especially at Old Navy, the clothes are virtually the same as non-pregnancy clothes and they don't cost that much more. Today, I bought two beautiful wrap dresses off the clearance rack and once I remove the giant tag that says Maternity, no one will ever know. I feel like a special kind of genius.

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