Thursday, September 11, 2008

Six Unspectacular Things About Myself

I am slow to respond at the game of blog tag, just like real tag, which brings me nicely to the core of my un-spectacularness; my physique. Now, I pride myself on being totally practical and unemotional about the state of my body, but I still know deep in my reptilian brain that I couldn't outrun a sabre tooth tiger should one materialize in my living room. So, here goes SheShe.

1. I get itchy all over my body when I run for any length of time. I've been told this is called circulation. Apparently, I am usually undead and operate with little or no return of blood from heart to lung (wait, is that actually spectacular).

2. To use an old cliche, I could give myself two black eyes when I run or jump. NO bra can contain them in a manner that remains attractive, comfortable and secure. I believe some of you may recall the fungus I got from the heady combination of a bad bra and a few days of sweaty workouts. Ladies, please remember my cautionary tale whenever you find yourself wishing for ample cleavage.

3. I have HUGE pores. You can see my pores from space. These epidermal breathing holes are constantly filling with oil and dirt and then manufacturing sebum. I console myself with the knowledge that my oiliness will slow down the aging process. Right? Right? Whimper...

4. My feet are always dirty and calloused. I could fill a PedEgg once a week with the dead skin I shave off my cracked heels. It is the Appalachian strain in my ancestry that leads me to walk around barefoot, despite the damage it does. If  I were constantly pregnant, I could roleplay some tacky stereotypes.

5. I only have one hip. I'm only exaggerating a little bit. Here's where the confessional goes to totally uncharted territory for me. I was born with something called a cavernous hemangioma. It's kind of like those terrible birthmarks that children get on their faces. The ones that grow and deform their features. Mine was present at birth and scared the ever-livin'-shit out of the doctors at the AirForce hospital I was born at. They immediatley sent me to an Army hospital (because those dudes know what's up?). It was a reddish-purplish-black colored tumor and it slowly drained over the course of my babyhood and remained concave. I am missing 7 layers of tissue on my left hip. All of the veins and stuff are visible (imagine a really old man's hand) and the skin is paper thin. The hip joint is also visible. It feels like a fantastically sensitive funny bone when struck. School desks were the bain of my childhood.  My left butt cheek ends like an eroded cliff face. There is no gradual tapering. It gives the illusion that I may have been bitten by a shark. To add insult to injury, the varicose veins I suffered during pregnancy have stuck around on the left side. They aren't cosmetically irritating, because they blend right in, but they actually hurt. In fact, when I am pounding away at my keyboard they are at their most sensitive. I sit right on them. I would link a picture, but I am NOT going to photograph myself and there are absolutley no other people in the universe who have this. Believe me. My first foray into the seedy underworld of the internet was to look for other people like me. I AM IT! 

6. My nose runs continually from August until the first frost. Thank you ragweed!

Are you happy now! I am going to go polish off that box Little Debbie's in the kitchen, but first misery loves company.  Minnesota Matron, These Are The People in My Neighborhood, Mrs. G, Motherhood from the Edge of the Map. TAG, you're it!

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